Got Your Fig and Olive Right Here

After five years I finally came into a bit of money, and shocked by this forgotten feeling, I had absolutely no idea what I should do with it. So, not being particularly interested in much of anything, I chose to do something nice for my long suffering gal and took her out to a fancy dinner.

Something as seemingly simple as this proved to be a bit of a problem right from the start, as I had little idea of a good place to eat. To be fair, I eat out at restaurants somewhat often, but  usually in the $15-$20 range. This had to be different. Valet parking, endangered animals on the menu different. Well that was the benchmark I set anyways, and after doing little research it dawned on me: why not go to where the prez just ate? The, um… oh right, the “Fig and Olive!” I’d heard nothing about this place (other than it’s “trendy” but what the hell isn’t nowadays) so I fired up the modem and hopped on the World Wide Web with the best intentions of setting up a night to remember.

First off, it’s a chain. Well maybe not a chain chain, per se. but the kind of place that opens up in New York, London, Tokyo and Los Angeles and that’s it. Shit. Ok, the food looks decent… olives, figs, pasta, grilled meats. Cheese. Standard fare, a little expensive but what the hell. I decided to make the plunge and clicked the “open table” icon to see what was available, settled on 7:15 and was ready to find out what the hype was all about. Throwing caution to the wind, as I’m sure I won’t get paid for another five years, I made the commitment. My girl and I were going to rub elbows with L.A.’s finest.

We got to the restaurant just in time for our reservations. A polite Mexican took eight bucks and the keys to the Volvo and in hindsight, that’s where the night should have ended. As we walked through the door, we were greeted by a wave of noise. To my horror I observed that the tables were about 9 inches off the floor, and the bar was clogged with Persians. The noise was unbearable. Making our way to the hostess stand, I wasn’t surprised to note that she was really annoyed that we were here. She checked our name off the list and then an equally put-out girl walked us to our table.

Winding through the cackling, perfume-drenched crowd I saw a light up ahead. What’s this? Could there be actual tables? Is there a restaurant component that I had overlooked? Was I once more far too quick to judge? Sure enough, we passed into another room, and I spied some regulation height tables. OK, this could go…fuck. FUCK. Really? Yep, there were tables all right, but we get to sit against the far wall, cafeteria style. My momentary feeling of relief gone as quickly as it came.

Now, for those of you that may not know what I’m talking about, let me savvy you to what “cafeteria style” dining means. This is where a bench runs along the wall, small tables are lined up in front, and on the other side are free standing chairs. The idea is to create a socially interactive environment and start chatting with whomever you get stuck next to.  It’s cramped, uncomfortable, and for a misanthrope like myself, is the worst possible situation to eat in. Sure as shit, we get shoehorned next to another couple (struggling actors, yay) and being a gentleman, I take the hard wooden chair and the splendid view of a concrete wall. So I have my back to the restaurant, and I don’t feel comfortable talking because I don’t need strangers up in my business. This was gearing up to be a great dinner.

The waitress comes over and starts spouting the specials, the one that sticks out is the Julep. Whiskey sounds like the right cure for what’s ailing me, so I go for it. She explains that it’s an experimental drink and she would love feedback on it. Agreed. She points out some food choices and goes off on her way, returning shortly with the julep which looks like pond water with a splash of bourbon presumably in there somewhere. I take a sip and the flavor is ok, but the fig seeds, mint leaves and walnut chunks give it the pond water texture I may have assumed from the initial observation. So, I decide to give her my criticism: this isn’t much of a julep. I point out the unpleasantness of all the debris in the drink to which she replies: “well that’s our spin on the classic julep. We crumble walnuts into it.” I see my date start to get uncomfortable, so I leave it at that.

Perhaps against my better judgment, we take some of the waitress’s recommendations and place our order. Just some assorted small plates. After all, we can always order more, right? Wrong. “The chef requests you place your entire order at once. I can bring out some marinated olives for you if you’d like.” Sure, but I think we’re ready to order the whole shebang…

The food was tasty, but unremarkable. The whole place smacks of gimmicks (no one’s tapped into the Mediterranean market yet, so kudos) and the crowd is insufferable. I can recommend the scallops, which were perfectly cooked, and the crostini assortment was fine (not sure how one would fuck up toast and cheese). There was plenty more on the menu, but I don’t believe I’ll be going back any time soon. When the bill came, I was pleased to see that my handful of trash and bourbon came to $15. All in all, the total for dinner was about what I expected; best $200 I’ve ever spent.

Fig and Olive, welcome to the ranks of Nobu, Bazaar and every other money-faking overly hyped Hollywood eatery. Looking forward to the “for lease” sign in the window six months from now. If you want to try a good restaurant that successfully pulls off what Fig and Olive was attempting, save a bunch of money and go to Cobras and Matadors. It’s BYOB (with a reasonable corkage fee, but you can bring beer and presumably cocktail fixins’ as well) and infinitely better. Just go early, because around 7pm the cafeteria seating will take its toll, and the space is much smaller than F&O so consider yourself warned.

On a final note, apologies to my girl for my incessant complaining about everything. I wish I didn’t feel contempt, disappointment and disgust almost every time I find myself in a public setting. Perhaps next time we’ll go to the Beanery, where for the amount spent at Fig and Olive five of us were able to eat and drink in the comfort of a booth for nearly six hours straight.

The Titans of Kentucky Straight Bourbon

I would consider myself somewhat of a connoisseur of fine Kentucky Straight Bourbon. I have been partaking of it much longer than this so called current “craze” you see taking place. There are even many smaller companies making craft bourbons, many of which are very good. That aside, this is the guide for those that want to drink some good shit and wake up not remembering a god damned thing.

Ancient Age - 5/ 5 stars

What can you say about Ancient Age. This heavenly nectar from Buffalo Trace distillers is probably the cheapest Kentucky Straight Bourbon you can find, running about 5 dollars a pint. It is smooth, there are hints of oak char, seasoned lilac traces, cherry uppers and it finishes off nicely with a coffee/chocolate flavor. This is the best bang for your buck, by far. This is the drink to get because it repels all the assholes who want to leech off you because you were smart enough to bring the flask to the party, or bar (until they have a few drinks and their inhibitions are gone, at this point just tell them you already “killed it”).

Old Crow – 3.5/ 5 stars

A little more back woodsy with traces of embers straight from the 1600’s Native Americans fire, with mellow tannins that touch the inner core. Old Crow has a hard finish with a smooth onset, a real “party pleaser” and “pussy getter.” Don’t mix with valium or opiates/opioids or you will wake up next to a fat bitch, or in the hood, or in a bush. It’s very nice paired with nachos or am/pm’s McRib sandwiches. Holler at me if you buy a bottle and we’ll wash some down together.

Evan Williams – 3/5 stars

As the name implies this drink fucks you like a real gentleman. First he creeps in through your back door when you least expect it. Then he talks to you straight in the eye, and you begin to want fuck him (even though you aren’t gay) and you don’t know why. You guys have hardcore sex but you are fine with it for some reason, as his smooth workings and woman like touches hit the left and right side of your tongue “just right.” The next morning you ask yourself, “what did I do?” then you tell yourself, “oh, well it was so good I’d do it all again.”

Jim Beam – 1.5/5 stars

A little oaken/pine beginnings with mild baked vanilla overtones, wrapped in a mocha tortilla. JB ends with a solid bottle rocket of magic, a cornucopia of charred bacon, musk and chipotle. Jim Beam isn’t a very good date, he seems logical at first if you want to show up at a bourgeois party and not look like an asshole (see above choices). He’s the only one that makes you look not unrefined. Grab him for looks only, and if you are going to a crappy party, but try and high-tail it outta there and get some Ancient Age or some better shit or your dignity.

Makers Mark – 4/5 stars

If you just got paid and want to splurge on a decent, higher end bourbon go with MM. I compare good old Mark to the guy(s) from all those shitty commercials out capitalizing on being the most interesting man in the world (a la; Old Spice/Tecate); although I don’t fall for their corny marketing ploy, I get it. But Mark is the real deal, if you were a woman, he would be long-dicking you before you could finish saying Mar-. Crisp fall apple beginning followed by subtle piratesque oceanic/wooden plank middles, ending with a grilled coconut/eucalyptus experience!

Old Grand Dad – 4.5/5 stars

I guess “daddy knows best,” some may say, and I would have to agree. Not all places have daddy, but if your local liquor establishment knows their classics they will carry this fine beverage (If not Rite Aid carries it). Be careful with this one, trust me. Its good paired with hard drugs and at least 2 girls. If you are with other guys try and ditch them some how, if all goes planned you will have a great night. Tell the girls that the guys hanging around you got really high one night and fucked each other and one gave the other herpes, just make something up and shake them. Daddy hits you like a brick, with a pungent cedar beginning and middle, then railroads you with an oaken finish that makes you wince and proclaim “oh god!” Hopefully they will be saying that too as you 3 or 4 do your thing.

Enjoying Your Beijing Trip by Getting a Relaxing Nude Massage

A Beijing nude therapeutic massage could be appreciated as a typical therapeutic massage wherever the masseuse intends to create your body and its joints and muscle groups chill out together with getting your body slide right into a totally peaceful state. Every time a nude therapeutic massage in Beijing is carried out by an personal companion it might consequence within a sexual experience. However it is intended to become a kind of physique and genital message with warmoil getting rubbed above the entire body and all of its areas. When this type of massage is totally efficient the companion being massaged might basically drop asleep at the completion since they are so entirely comfortable. So it would operate out greatest in the event that the two intimate partners took turns performing this kind of massage at different times so neither is dissatisfied together with the final results. Supplying a nude massage in Beijing could be as stimulating as obtaining one.

It is considerably the same just as if the massage girl intended to deliver the spouse to some entire sexual erection. It could also be used if a companion is experiencing any sort of impotence. This will be a therapeutic massage for that partner.

A massage therapist could be a male or the therapeutic massage business might only hire the girls or you could possibly have your option of possibly choosing a male or feminine massage therapist. Which one you decide on if you have a option is fully approximate you. Once you made an appointment you should permit the receptionist know very well what your preference is for a masseuse. In lots of additional cases, you will have your choice of masseuse. For instance, you might desire a blond or even a brunette or maybe a redhead. In case that they provide this kind of selection they’ll usually post photographs which you can choose from on their web sites. In this way you are able to also select bust measurement, bum form and extended legged or possibly a shorter person. They will often have great complete entire body shots so there’ll be no surprises once you face your massage therapist.

For an actual relaxing massage in Beijing, the therapist massages the muscles and connective tissues by using the fingers and also the palms of the hand. They could also make use of the forearms when they are working on your back. When your massage is done on a therapeutic massage mat, the massage therapist might stroll on your own back again or kneel on your back again to provide you the therapeutic massage. In the event that the masseuse will massage your system, they will try to massage the tendons, ligaments, the joints and also the key muscle mass groups and will also massage the miner muscle groups. A nude massage in Beijing may entail all portions of the body getting massaged and consist of sexual gratification.

The gratification will rely on your own preferences and how you personally opt to have interaction or take part in the massage it may well be with sounds or without having sound since it is all your option. Particularly as to what number of the 7 senses you would like to be affected by this kind of therapeutic massage. Sounds certain could be erotic as may be particular warm oils. Clothing on the beijing massage therapist may make a modify and established the tone with the massage.