Good Morning

Watching the morning news

I see another kid killed himself dead

For being queer

And listening to queer music and doing queer things

Cyber-bullied they say.

So I posit to the slack-jawed

Bigoted masses

Spit glistening on their red lips:

Whether spouting from the safety of a dark room

Or hiding behind your extreme facade

And likely closeted friends

Dull eyes staring out at the world

I ask

What exactly made you so afraid

Of one less male

To compete with?

The Titans of Kentucky Straight Bourbon

I would consider myself somewhat of a connoisseur of fine Kentucky Straight Bourbon. I have been partaking of it much longer than this so called current “craze” you see taking place. There are even many smaller companies making craft bourbons, many of which are very good. That aside, this is the guide for those that want to drink some good shit and wake up not remembering a god damned thing.

Ancient Age - 5/ 5 stars

What can you say about Ancient Age. This heavenly nectar from Buffalo Trace distillers is probably the cheapest Kentucky Straight Bourbon you can find, running about 5 dollars a pint. It is smooth, there are hints of oak char, seasoned lilac traces, cherry uppers and it finishes off nicely with a coffee/chocolate flavor. This is the best bang for your buck, by far. This is the drink to get because it repels all the assholes who want to leech off you because you were smart enough to bring the flask to the party, or bar (until they have a few drinks and their inhibitions are gone, at this point just tell them you already “killed it”).

Old Crow – 3.5/ 5 stars

A little more back woodsy with traces of embers straight from the 1600’s Native Americans fire, with mellow tannins that touch the inner core. Old Crow has a hard finish with a smooth onset, a real “party pleaser” and “pussy getter.” Don’t mix with valium or opiates/opioids or you will wake up next to a fat bitch, or in the hood, or in a bush. It’s very nice paired with nachos or am/pm’s McRib sandwiches. Holler at me if you buy a bottle and we’ll wash some down together.

Evan Williams – 3/5 stars

As the name implies this drink fucks you like a real gentleman. First he creeps in through your back door when you least expect it. Then he talks to you straight in the eye, and you begin to want fuck him (even though you aren’t gay) and you don’t know why. You guys have hardcore sex but you are fine with it for some reason, as his smooth workings and woman like touches hit the left and right side of your tongue “just right.” The next morning you ask yourself, “what did I do?” then you tell yourself, “oh, well it was so good I’d do it all again.”

Jim Beam – 1.5/5 stars

A little oaken/pine beginnings with mild baked vanilla overtones, wrapped in a mocha tortilla. JB ends with a solid bottle rocket of magic, a cornucopia of charred bacon, musk and chipotle. Jim Beam isn’t a very good date, he seems logical at first if you want to show up at a bourgeois party and not look like an asshole (see above choices). He’s the only one that makes you look not unrefined. Grab him for looks only, and if you are going to a crappy party, but try and high-tail it outta there and get some Ancient Age or some better shit or your dignity.

Makers Mark – 4/5 stars

If you just got paid and want to splurge on a decent, higher end bourbon go with MM. I compare good old Mark to the guy(s) from all those shitty commercials out capitalizing on being the most interesting man in the world (a la; Old Spice/Tecate); although I don’t fall for their corny marketing ploy, I get it. But Mark is the real deal, if you were a woman, he would be long-dicking you before you could finish saying Mar-. Crisp fall apple beginning followed by subtle piratesque oceanic/wooden plank middles, ending with a grilled coconut/eucalyptus experience!

Old Grand Dad – 4.5/5 stars

I guess “daddy knows best,” some may say, and I would have to agree. Not all places have daddy, but if your local liquor establishment knows their classics they will carry this fine beverage (If not Rite Aid carries it). Be careful with this one, trust me. Its good paired with hard drugs and at least 2 girls. If you are with other guys try and ditch them some how, if all goes planned you will have a great night. Tell the girls that the guys hanging around you got really high one night and fucked each other and one gave the other herpes, just make something up and shake them. Daddy hits you like a brick, with a pungent cedar beginning and middle, then railroads you with an oaken finish that makes you wince and proclaim “oh god!” Hopefully they will be saying that too as you 3 or 4 do your thing.


Sometimes you think some topics are

Buried 6 foot under forever

And as so much they are

But sometimes the best or worst things

Will resurface

When, or if, they resurface

Their mindsets, their perceptions;

Are theirs. Period

Falling back in like a waterfall

Hands out, free fall

Letting emotion fall down can be

A fatal mistake (arms in or out?)

For what I feel, surely they do not feel

Easily cold they are which is OK

One may ask:

Continue or not? As, I don’t want more

What I have is just fine

But I don’t want to allow myself

To fall, they’re broken

Jagged rocks break the steady stream

Don’t know what to do

Though their moral mind tells them

Exactly what to do

The tension is like sandpaper

Smooth sandpaper

That doesn’t hurt

That has no tension

I miss them, kiss them, piss on them

They are in bliss, looking in eyes

Those eyes with reflections of


As if they were mine

But with no thought of me

I miss that person;

Though I shouldn’t, hearts drop

They shouldn’t;

Goodbyes are always hard

But those that are meant to


For a while, at least

Unification unexpectedly asked

Throws amazement in mind

Wonder runs rampant

Choices made, excitement

A few years til’ divorce

Emotion on my part

Rendered null and void

I am sorry, as I am sure you are

Maybe emotional connections we

Made, maybe not

You said I love you sometimes

Sometimes I said it

Sometimes I didn’t answer

Sometimes you didn’t

Everything has changed

One thing will never

I will always blank blank blank blank you

Fuck or Love, guess.

Forward Thinking

Bitches get treated like bitches

But always want to be treated like women

Women get treated like women

But always want to be treated like bitches

Bastards get treated like bastards

But they think they are men

Men get treated like men

But they think they are bastards

I try to ring a drip of humanity,

Knuckles white with passion,

Out of a proverbial washcloth

No signs of moisture

The last vulture came

Hundreds of years ago

And drank Gods last tear

That eked its way out

Of this dusty wash cloth

Now in this desert of humanity

Exists, only self pity

Greed, hate, violence

I search

For that picturesque

That movie-marvelous

That Eden

Waterfalls and greenery

That oasis

“Oasis of humanity”

Where humanity treats each other

Like humans

And we all strive to be

Treated likewise


As I sit in my desk
At community college
Once again later in age
I never thought I would be
“That guy”
If you have ever
Attended a community college
You know whom I speak of
Sitting there,
Waiting for instruction
I over hear a conversation
A cute 19 year old…
“Ohy mhuy gawd, burning man
Was so fawking insane, it was
No wonder the founder of that
And burnt down the burning man

As I sat there in my human sexuality class;
We are about to talk about
I wonder
Did, “that guy”
Hear me and shake his head
When I was that young asshole?
As I just had
(Probably not, I was quiet)
Then I ask myself;
Does one just think everything
Becomes stupider and stupider
Until they die?
If so; I’m gonna think:
This whole god damned world
Fucking sucks
Pretty soon

Examining the Sacred Geometry of 9/11


Special report filed by our New York correspondent: Mark Harrison

Using various images of the horrific aftermath of 9/11/2001, I have devoted the greater part of the last decade into reading the sacred geometry of 9-11. Many conclusions may be up for debate about what follows, but the overall message is as concrete as the middle of The Hoover Dam. First and foremost, I am a leading expert in the field of sacred geometry. My experiences in visual-spatial geometrical meditation to interpret the meanings of the sacred geometry turned up some very shocking results about the uncertainty of the future. I have pioneered two methods in order to analyze the way the buildings crashed to the Manhattan streets below and also the explosions as the planes hit in real time. The first, I already mentioned visual-spatial geometrical meditation (VSGM) and the other is self-induced hypnotherapeutic neural modification (SIHNM). These sound very complex and they completely are so I will briefly explain them.

VSGM involves having a Printed Stimuli (PS); it may be a photo, computer image, or other representation of the subject of which you are analyzing. You must be in a mid sized empty room with very limited items. These items a researcher must include are symbolic symbols (SS) and prescriptive pointers (PP). The bigger these items are the better! As one starts they must be standing throughout the whole process in order to focus and also to have your body symmetry aligned. You must focus in on the area of importance on the PS; the importance here is to not blink and to literally burn an image of the section of the PS into your brain, after doing so for one hour you should take 50mg (varies dependant on body weight) of a benzodiazepine. As you are falling and trying to stay awake/upright/cognizant (key here is you must try to keep standing) you will knock the symbolic symbols into different directions as well as the PP. When you awake you must analyze the results.

SIHNM is much more involved and intense of a process. Leading research into neurology has shown that the human brain is purely magic. It has also shown that it can be almost infinite in scope. If you have any idea of how large infinity really is, you know what I am talking about. The goal here is to harness less than 0.001% of the power of the brain. Some neurons that connect to the brain and run through our nervous system are up to 3 feet long, and can be longer! We have neurons all over our body within our nervous system! That means that not only our brain can harness the magic of the grey matter but that it can also use it for real functions as well. In order to harness a neuron we make a tiny cut on our right index finger in order to directly access a neuron. At this point you hook up a wire to the skin (usually with an alligator clip) and hook it up to a volt meter. Next you induce self-hypnosis by various methods. Next you must ask yourself questions, if the answer is yes, you will see the volt meter move. If the answer is no you will see the volt meter stays still.


There are four main results I would like to talk about in this section, they may seem unbelievable but they are absolutely true. How do I know, you may ask? I can tell while looking you straight in the eye that I followed the scientific method to a tee, and we all know if that is done correctly it has to be right. You may like the results, they may scare you, either way they are very profound and will touch us all in one way or another.

The first major “event” that will happen in the next ten years is that a major “credit card bubble” will pop, much as the housing bubble did. This will touch the poorer/lower classes that rely on credit cards and currently find themselves in major debt. As banks get bailed out and the same old bureaucratic hypocrisy keeps affecting the lower socioeconomic classes touched by this, they will take to the street and demand that the money be given to the people and not to the banks. The people will start to see how the banks wish to enslave people (at least a major consensus will). Tired of the banks harassing them and the feeling of drowning, the people will cause violence to ensue for quite some time. The government will try to make some concessions but they won’t be good enough. This will ultimately lead to a scandal that involves people very high up in government and they will get ousted and/or impeached. The end result or concession is that the lower SES people will have the option of getting a large portion of their debt reduced and the government will put extremely tight rules and regulations on how much they lend to people depending on their income.

The second major “event” which will happen is a war in a place people would have never thought would be touched by war. I couldn’t see the nation in my SIHNM sessions, but I could tell that it was within a developed nation such as Switzerland or somewhere in Euro zone or United States. The military response by NATO/US will be swift and devastating. The people of the nation will look upon the government negatively because of this for some reason. Perhaps the people that were suppressed had many supporters and were a growing movement. I can’t tell but it seemed to be some sort of party involved with major reform or maybe even revolutionary plots. A modified version of communism or socialism which attempts to distribute the wealth amongst the people seems to be the most likely reform group in which it will effect.

Third, due to the huge success of the World Wide Web, and also the quirkiness of cats on the internet, pet cats will get to the popular tipping point where they prove “out of control” and are colonizing in feral populations almost everywhere. The government will have to declare a “war on cats. (WOC)” PETA and cat lovers will unite against the WOC. The scenario will become extremely ugly, and eventually a Unabomber type (on the pro-cat side) will start sending packages to the cat killers. Just as the populace thinks it couldn’t get any worse, a cat-to-human virus sweeps across the nation, and unfortunately to those that enjoy kissing their cats on a regular basis will swiftly die of a virus; H4N72, or “Cat Flu.” At this point the debate will swing to the side of the cat killers, but the cat lovers will claim the CIA introduced Cat Flu in order to advance its agenda. In the end, the problem will be mostly fixed but the pet cat will never be looked at the same.

Lastly, the most promising of all is the laser-engine. Scientists and dreamers alike will collaborate on building a new energy source made from lasers. Scientists working at CERN will finally find the elusive Higgs-Boson. From these findings the doors to physics will be swung wide open. Revelations that involve some sort of free energy will become a new reality, somehow scientists will use complex systems of lasers in order to harness this “free energy,” and the public will become fascinated about the ramifications, and that perhaps global warming could be averted. The lasers will not actually power the “engine” they will somehow “excite” a source that allows the energy to be “tapped.”

Rip Off

Rich kids of the world, unite and take over
Rich kids of the world, hand it over, hand it over, hand it over

Learned to love money and pretend I was OK
Now, today, tomorrow, and always
My only weakness is my dads ATM
But last night the Kardashians and Jersey Shore was all I saw on MTV

Rich kids of the world, unite and take over
Rich kids of the world, hand it over, hand it over, hand it over

A smug look at the real, makes me feel good inside
Only for a short time, knowing I’m propped up by my trust fund
Tried living in the real world instead of a shell
But daddy took away ATM, so I took off my hipster clothes, married a suit

Rich kids of the world, unite and take over
Rich kids of the world, unite and take over
Rich kids of the world, unite and take over
Rich kids of the world, take over

2:08 AM

I walked by drunken swagger
On my way into “Hot Rods”
A local gay restaurant
I usually get their breakfast sandwich
Bacon AND sausage
On the way out
I saw some young travelers
Two crusty punks
We talked about politics
The rich, the poor
They seemed OK
The girl casually told me
“I am gonna go get an abortion tomorrow”
As if it was routine
I asked them if they wanted to come;
Stay in my small studio
They said sure
She wanted to take a shower
So she would be,
Presentable for her abortion, I suppose
I gave them my mattress
She showered
We talked some more
And we all fell asleep
The alarm burst out of my small phones
Like a crow next to my ear
I jumped out of bed (cot) and noticed
My house smelt purely festering
As I told them bye
I handed them a survival book I had
Wrote my name and email in it
Said, “Good luck”
They left
I hurried to pick up all the linens
I knew I would have to wash them
At least twice


I love coming home to you
Whether you are lying there
Or looking out the window waiting
We talk; even though we really don’t
You love me back
Sometimes I rub your back
And we always miss each other
Sometimes I put on a movie
Sometimes we watch Netflix
I always make you dinner
I don’t mind that
Usually I smother you
with kisses
Before bed
Then, you usually jump
Into your litter box and take a shit
And lick your asshole