BroadWhew! Security

Recently the string of Broadview (formerly Brinks) Security commercials has caught my eye, and I have to tip my hat to their brilliant marketing department. For those who may not have seen them, here is an example:

Setting: Upper middle class neighborhood. A party of clean-cut white thirtysomethings is wrapping up. The nondescript hostess stands in the door thanking everyone. The last person to go is a blond douche who looks straight out of an LL Bean Catalog, his name is A.J.

Hostess: (tight lipped smile) “Thanks for coming A.J., it was nice meeting you.”

A.J.: (aw shucks) “Yeah, you too.”

Mildly Concerned Friends: (mouth inaudibly) “Who was that?”

Hostess: (mouths back) “I don’t know!”

Omigod! Oh well, right? What could possibly go wrong? The hostess starts cleaning up and then she spots A.J. through the back door biting his lip, ready to get his fuck on. A.J. breaks the window with his elbow, the alarm goes off, the phone rings, A.J. bolts, and help is on the way!

            That’s only one example of how shitty Broadview commercials are. There’s another where a mom and her daughter are playing in the back yard, they go in for some lemonade and BAM! A clean-cut white dude smashes a window. Another has a couple coming home in the rain after a date. The girl: “I just got out of a bad relationship.” Guy: “It’s ok.” Girl: (all smiles) “Thanks!” she goes inside, and in seconds her ex boyfriend, a clean-cut white guy kicks in the door. No need to fret, however, Broadview is there. Yet another example is a jogger who pauses to tie his shoelaces, looks around shadily and then jump kicks a lady’s door in as soon as her hubby pulls out of the driveway in his 7 series. All before ten a.m.! Whew! Thank fucking Christ for Broadview Security.

            In ALL these Broadview commercials, there are people at home, the invasion takes place in an upscale neighborhood, and the “crook” is a white guy who we only know is dangerous by the fact that he is wearing a flannel, and sometimes a beanie. For fuck’s sake, who’s buying this crap? Broadview, if you’re reading, here are a couple of realistic commercial concepts, on me:

            Setting: A lower class neighborhood at night. The front lights are on, but the house looks empty. A single mom lives here with her three children. She’s off pulling another twelve hour shift at her crap job which is an hour bus ride away. Her kids are at their Nana’s, which is where they go every day after school; daddy’s doing time for “some shit he got into.” A crackhead peeks through the window and sees that no one is home. He breaks in and steals an XBOX 360 and sells it for drugs. He never even noticed the alarm going off. Maybe at some point the cops show up, maybe they even take a report, but likely not.  Either way the XBOX is never recovered.  The End.


            Setting: A lower class neighborhood. Some people are sitting around watching T.V., cracking wise. Some kids are running around playing. Things are good, all things considered. Suddenly, a group of thugs smash in the door, and the alarm goes off. The thugs rape and murder everyone in the house, steal whatever isn’t bolted down, and run off into the night. The neighbors call the cops because they heard gunfire. At some point the cops show up and the bodies are hauled off by the coroner. The story makes the evening news and is forgotten by the next day. The End.

            Truth hurts doesn’t it, Broadview? You sell a product that makes little difference as all your alarms do is provide a false sense of security at worst and a mild deterrent at best. Apparently no one has bothered to address the fact that once the alarm goes off…THE PEOPLE ARE IN THE FUCKING HOUSE. The average response time for cops to show up is 15-40 minutes, and that’s if they show up, as alluded to above. Broadview is merely an expensive rape whistle; it doesn’t stop the crime, just speeds it up a little.

            The moral: you want security? Bar your windows, put good locks on sturdy doors and buy a gun that you know how to use. Broadview won’t do shit. Alarms should be used to “protect” insured, replaceable inventory, not human lives.

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