Editor’s note: This recently uncovered audio is a testament to my commitment to the miserable craft of writing. In an effort to become a better writer, a better person, even a better drug user I took the advice of a disgruntled reader. Some dipshit named Geoff suggested I use more drugs to improve my grammar. So I did just that. The name of the actual town where mountain donkeys hail is called Oatman not Kingman.
Against my better judgment, here is a five minute conversation between Pat Seanrick Walsh, myself and some chick.
JSS “Announcement, the line of blow, the size of yard sticks. I’m writing like Paulo Cuelho at this moment. Nothing like Hemingway. I’m gonna get there though. I might just be hearing ‘get weird’.
PSW “I’m going to leave her and go get a drink.”
JSS “Oh my god, can I watch? Oh my goooood.”
PSW “nononono. I mean like, I’m down to you know, you know. I’m gonna bail”
JSS “Someone let the Arabs out!”
PSW “And the thing about it was that it, Bullhead city sucks dick. It’s terrible. You think on a map it sucks, but when you get there and you find out 29 meters over. Hella wild donkeys.
JSS “What does it take for women to be into you? They don’t even knooow. Dude I have like a nice sweater oooon. I got a Northface, I got uppity hipster like hiking type jeans. An they’re just like, nnnough! What the fuck duuuude…
PSW “I talk to ‘em.”
JSS “Yeah,ok, fine. A thousand okays, there’s something else. You know what, fuck those bitches. Pat, continue the joke. We were in Arizona in some shitty fucking… Laughlin!? We were in Luahglin. Yeah what a, what a great place to beee.”
PSW “I was the one who came up with the idea to go that town where the donkeys came from the mountains. Was it like Kinston?
JSS “Kingman, it was Kingman.”
JSS “Hee didn’t fucking figure that one out, my mom goes you should go to Kingman.
PSW “No his mom left a notebook about, hey, here’s the hotspots to hit, when you’re cruising Bullhead City.
JSS “Kingman, by the way had wild goats.
PSW “Donkeys came down from the mountain.
JSS “Splooosh. I love you.”
PSW “So we go there
JSS “and your lifestyle.”
PSW “The only place open sold like Katana swords and nunchucks. And we’re like are those donkeys coming from the mountains.”
JSS “Coffee mugs.”
PSW “So we came here, I shit you not. There are these little pictures. They come down the mountain and they have these manes.
PSW “A mountain, a literally.
JSS “A Moaauuntaaain.”
Someone “That is impossible, I guess.”
PSW “I guuuess, I guuuessss.”
JSS “I guess.”
PSW “I guess.”
JSS “ So I had my switchblade at this point, petting goats.
PSW “And the other thing is, its its, one of them has a sticker on it’s head, you can’t give it a carrot cause it’l die.
JSS “Nouh Joooke.
PSW “Which is the weirdest story you’ll ever hear in your life. …Stickers on their head. Baby donkeys, 12 donkeys. It’s a different breed of, the special breed is caaaalled…What.”
PSW “Nooo, nooo”
PSW “I’m kinda mad that I’m the only person…Yelling ketamine.
JSS “Did youu even haaave real drugs and you didn’t even share’m.”
PSW ‘Joooey, they have these machine you turn upside down. Right nostril right nostril and you get a bunch of cocaine. I got weird drugs over at my house that she gave me.
JSS You have weird drugs? Let’s party.”
PSW “I’m still holding.”
JSS “Do you have weird pills?”
PSW “Yes they’re”
JSS “cause, b’cause I need pills because I’m supposed to become a better writer when I do.”
PSW” No, can you like stay upright and do a pill?”
JSS “Yeaaah, of course I can.”
PSW “The hospital gave me Ambien.”
JSS “Noo I’m cool, I need to go around the corner and graaaab a pija pizza. I need to grab a piece of pizza.”
PSW “You have fives,
Somone” I gave you fives.”
PSW ”I remember the tense.”
JSS “I need a piece of pizza! I need a piece of pizza.
PSW “I know we’re gonna go!
JSS “I need a pizza from around the corner!”